Adventures in Neopia!
by NinjaMouse
Summary: Who knew Neopia had a Stargate? crossover with Neopets.
1. Thunderstorms and Angelpi

Adventures in Neopia!

Rating: K+

Stargate season: Any season where Sg-1 consisted of Colonel O'Neill, Major Carter, Daniel, and Teal'c… Season seven, maybe?

Spoilers: Anything up to season seven.

Disclaimer: I do not own Stargate Sg-1 or I am not making any money off this story.

Author's Note Added May 27, 2007: If anyone remembers this story from way back in '05, I apologize for the "hiatus." But I'm back now, and have added chapter four.

Original Author's Notes: The idea for this story had been gnawing away at my brain for nearly two years now, demanding to be written. I figured I should finally do so before it drove me (completely) insane…

One more thing: None of the Neopets in the story are based on real ones. I did a search on before choosing the pet names, and as of the time this story was posted, none of the names were in use on the website.

Chapter One – Thunderstorms and Angelpi

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Jack was tired of this planet. The place was a jungle or something: hot and sticky, and home to a variety of freakishly large insects that seemed to find him quite tasty.

"Crap!" He whacked at a purplish mosquito that was intent on feasting on his arm. He sprayed himself (for the umpteenth time that day!) with bug repellent. Completely_ ineffective _bug repellent. Who made this stuff, anyway? He briefly considered writing to the company when he got home and giving them a piece of his mind, but decided against it when he realized the manufacturer probably never considered that their product would be used against purple alien mosquitoes.

He looked over to where Teal'c was standing. Apparently, the big guy wasn't having any better luck with the bugs than Jack was. He smacked the back of his neck and Jack thought he heard him swear in some alien language.

Jack walked through the tall grass and leaned against a boulder. His knee was bothering him again. To make matters even worse, a marathon of his favorite show was starting in five minutes and he'd forgotten to set his damned VCR to record it! He groaned.

Well, at least it wasn't raining.

Suddenly, Jack heard a great KABOOM of thunder and water promptly began falling from the sky. _How disgustingly cliché! _He thought in disbelief.

That was it; he'd had enough, his team had been here for hours and hadn't found a single sign of intelligent life. It was time to call it a day. Maybe if he hurried he could be back in time to at least catch a few episodes of The Simpsons.

He clicked his radio on.

"Carter?"

"Sir?"

"Time to pack it up. Collect Daniel for me, will ya? Teal'c and I will meet you at the gate."

"Yes sir."

He began to call out to Teal'c when he heard Daniel's voice on the radio.

"Jack!"

Oh great. He's found something.

"Yes, Daniel?" he asked cautiously.

"Uh, we can't leave yet. I've found something-"

"New rocks to play with?"

He smirked at Daniel's exasperated sigh. "They're not rocks, Jack! They're artifac- Actually, yeah. This time they are rocks…but they have these strange symbols on them, I've never seen them before. It's really quite fascinating."

Of course it was. It seemed everything Daniel found was fascinating.

"Daniel – just bring them with you. If it's worth investigating further we can send a team back later."

A pause; then another sigh.

"Fine,"

-------------------------------

Five minutes later, after much swearing, rain, spraying of bug repellent and conking of foreheads on low hanging branches, a rather bedraggled Sg-1 was back together, a hundred or so yards from the gate. Daniel was chattering excitedly nonstop. Something about his rocks; about how he'd never seen any symbols quite like them; that he thought they might be some previously undiscovered language; blah blah blah. Something like that. Jack didn't much care: they looked like your ordinary, fist sized river rocks, with crudely engraved little drawings.

He was about to make some snarky remark when a crashing sound was heard in the woods to the left.

_CRAASH!_

Jack, Carter and Teal'c automatically raised their various P90s and staff weapons, while Daniel just looked up from the rock in his hand and said "what?"

They watched for whatever had caused the crash but found nothing, until a small furry animal gracefully hopped out from behind a fallen log and stopped at Jack's feet. It looked up at him and blinked its big yellow eyes. It had fluffy white fur, and looked rather cat-like with its small pointed ears, pink nose and short delicate muzzle. The thing had little angel wings, and was that a halo floating above its head?!

It sat back on its haunches and raised its little front paws. If Jack had been into the whole small fluffy animal thing, he would have thought it looked rather cute.

It continued to stare up at Jack. Jack stared down at it. He looked at his teammates for help; they just watched the animal silently.

Suddenly, the creature emitted a loud, startling sound.

"PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!"

It leaned forward and began rubbing itself on Jack's pant leg.

"Aw!" Daniel said, grinning.

"I think he likes you, sir." Carter beamed, and rested an arm across the top of her P90.

"Indeed."

Jack scowled. They were all enjoying this _far _too much.

"Yes, well," Jack muttered to the cat-creature, pulling his foot away. "I'm really more of a dog person."

"MEEOWW!" the cat said pitifully, and leapt for Jack's shoe. It continued to merrily rub against him.

Daniel, still grinning, knelt and held his hand out.

"Here, kitty kitty!"

"Oh, for crying out loud! Daniel, don't encourage it."

The little beast hesitantly stood up, and went to sniff Daniel's fingers cautiously. It allowed him to put his hand on its head and gently scratch it.

"Be careful!" Jack warned. "It could be carrying some alien version of rabies, or who the hell knows what!"

Carter cleared her throat. "Um, he's right, Daniel."

"Look at the halo on his head!" Daniel exclaimed. "How do you think it hovers like that? I mean, I don't see any wires or anything…"

He trailed off as he examined the creature carefully. It simply sat there and blinked at him.

This talk of strange alien technology was apparently too much for Carter. Overcoming her fear of exotic diseases, she knelt beside Daniel and gingerly touched the floating golden ring. The winged cat began grooming a paw.

"Sir, this really is a fascinating piece of technology-"

"Magnets!" Jack concluded. Carter gave him a look. Teal'c raised an eyebrow.

"What?"

"We really should stay and study this further-"

Of course we should. For crying out loud…Jack waved a hand impatiently. "Ah! Later, Carter. You can bring an SG team back _later_ and both of you can study to your little heart's content. Sometime when it's not storming, perhaps?"

_KABOOM_! The thunder seemed to agree with him.

Daniel and Carter stood up and reluctantly stepped away from the animal, who seemed oblivious to the loud thunder and the water that soaked his no-longer fluffy white coat.

"Yes sir."

"Thank you." Jack nodded in satisfaction, throwing a last, disdainful look at the cat. "Alright, let's move it, kids!" Daniel gathered his rocks and the team began walking toward the gate.

The cat, however, had other plans. It ran and took a flying leap! It landed on Jack's shoulders but lost its footing and sank very sharp claws into his jacket.

"Ahh! Get it off me!" He twisted around, trying desperately to grab the offending beast. Carter and Daniel cracked up.

"PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!" The little terror, having regained its balance, was now happily rubbing its head against the back of Jack's.

_The little…_

A hint of a smile appeared on Teal'c's face, and he raised an eyebrow. "I believe he wishes you to stay, O'Neill." This caused Carter to erupt into full-blown giggles, and Daniel snorted. Teal'c smiled wider.

They were _so _going to pay for this. Jack sent them what he hoped was his worse glare. Carter's grin broadened.

"I don't know, sir. You do look kind of cute together."

Jack finally managed to pluck the beast off his back –no thanks to his team- and tossed it to the ground. It lay there for moment, dazed, then stood, glared at Jack and looked indignant.

Then, standing on its hind legs, it crossed its front paws, puffed out its chest, and –much to everyone's shock and amazement- boomed "A CURSE ON YOU!!"

Leaving Sg-1 in stunned silence, the creature stormed off and disappeared into the trees.

"That was- creepy," Jack finally managed to say.

"Did that cat just _speak?_" Carter asked incredulously.

"That cat just spoke," Daniel confirmed with his jaw hanging open.

"That was most disturbing," Teal'c said.

Daniel was the first to recover. He gestured in the direction the pseudo-cat had run. "Guys," he exclaimed. "That might not have been an animal at all! That might have been some intelligent race we've never encountered before! We should-" He was cut off by Carter's gasp of pain.

She suddenly staggered, and grabbed Jack's shoulder as she sank to the ground.

"Carter!"

"Sam!"

"Major Carter!"

Jack reached out to hold her up, but there was a sudden sharp pain in his neck.

_Hey_!

He felt the world fading away fast.

He heard Daniel and Teal'c grunt as they were also struck. The last thing Jack saw was the feathered dart sticking out of the back of his 2IC's neck, and he had time for exactly one thought.

_Crap. _

Then it all went black.

So…What do you think? Should I continue? Burn it? What?

Note: For those that don't know, when you play with your petpets –such as the Angelpuss that Jack encountered- once in a while they will shout "A CURSE ON YOU!!" No one really knows why. They just…do…


	2. Codestone Thief Extraordinaire

Adventures in Neopia!

Chapter Two – Codestone Thief Extraordinaire

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Someone shook Jack's shoulder.

"O'Neill!" said Teal'c's voice. Jack opened his eyes and sat bolt upright.

Turns out, that was a very _bad _thing to do.

"Ah!" He squeezed his eyes shut and lay back down, waiting for the throbbing pain in his head to subside. What had happened to them, anyway?

Oh yeah, poison darts…right. Great. He sat up again –slowly, this time- and examined their surroundings. The rain had stopped, and it was dark out now.

_Must have been out for a long time, _he thought it annoyance. They were in a primitive, stick-and-rope cage. He reached out an arm and experimentally shook one of the bars.

A very _sturdy _primitive stick-and-rope cage. One they wouldn't easily escape. He sighed and looked over at Carter and Daniel, who were still unconscious, lying in an unceremonious heap where they had apparently been dumped.

Hey, was that…music he was hearing?

"O'Neill!" Teal'c said again. Jack followed his gaze. He was staring over Jack's shoulder, looking as alarmed as he ever did. Jack whipped around.

Holy….

He didn't know what he had been expecting, but it sure wasn't this. He found himself trying to resist an insane urge to laugh. The scene in front of him was far too ridiculous to comprehend. He figured there were two logical explanations. One: the poison in the dart had been a lot stronger than he had thought, causing extreme hallucinations. Or two: They had never left home. He was still on earth, in his quarters at the SGC, snoozing away. Yes, that was it. At least, he sure as hell _hoped _that was it.

Because there was no way he was really seeing a group of animals with brightly colored fur, standing on their hind legs and dancing around a bonfire on a beach. Some of them sat off to the side, beating on drums and singing in some unknown language. They had white markings painted onto their fur and wore clothing made of leaves and flowers.

This time, he _did _laugh. He couldn't help it. This earned him a "have you lost it?" look from Teal'c (which was kind of funny, coming from him) and the attention of two "animals" with sharp looking spears. They rushed over.

One of them was a blue tiger-like creature with oversized ears. The other was a fierce looking yellow shark, with a bone through the fin on his head. He "walked" on two back fins. All in all, it was a very strange sight to behold.

"Hey, fellas…" Jack said.

The shark poked him with his spear.

"Hey!"

The tiger giggled, and said something to the shark. It poked Jack again. He glared at them, backing up out of the reach of the stick. Both creatures burst out laughing.

The shark attempted to poke Teal'c, who calmly grabbed it and snapped the end off. He sent the shark a death glare.

The tiger gasped. "Humph!" said the shark. They both turned and stalked off.

Jack found this whole situation amusing, as he still wasn't entirely convinced he wasn't dreaming. "Now, Teal'c, I'm not sure it's a good idea to antagonize our captors-"

"Sir?" Carter said groggily.

"Oh, hey, Carter! You might not want to-"

She sat up and winced, holding a hand to her head.

"-sit up so fast…"

She shoved Daniel off of her, waking him up, and moved to a slightly less crowded corner of the too-crowed cage. "What happened…?" Her eyes widened as she took in the scene outside the cage. "Oh my…"

"Oh yeah,"

Daniel raised his head. "What's going on, guys?" he started to get up, then froze as a pink wolfish creature walked by and cast them a disgusted look.

"Huh. Ookay…"

"You guys are acting like you've never seen a neopet before!"

_What the…_ Jack turned around, noticing for the first time that there was a second cage behind theirs.

Oh, for crying out loud! This just kept getting better and better. The cage contained a red unicorn with wings, a golden horn and big blue eyes. A unicorn that was talking to them.

"Um, hi," Daniel said. "Who are you?"

The unicorn grinned. "The name is LilCutiePie876987." That got odd looks all around. The unicorn grimaced. "Please, don't ask…" He said.

Jack couldn't resist. He was planning some smartass comment when Daniel sent him a "don't you dare" look. He knew him too well.

The unicorn cleared his throat. "So, you guys don't look like you're from around here..." he glanced at Teal'c.

"No, we're not." Daniel began the introductions. "I'm Daniel Jackson; this is Colonel O'Neill, Major Carter, and Teal'c. We're explorers, from earth." He looked at LilCutiePie876987 expectantly.

"Earth?" he looked thoughtful a moment. "Never heard of it." He grinned again. "Anyway, explorers, huh?" Sounds fascinating. I am a Master Codestone Thief Extraordinaire."

He reached his front leg through the bars of his cage and held his hoof up. Daniel and Carter took turns shaking it.

"Welcome to Mystery Island!" he exclaimed. He gestured at the cages. "Accommodations aren't much, but the food isn't bad. And we do have a _lovely_ view of the ocean." He said dryly. Jack supposed he could get to like this…guy. He shook his hoof. Teal'c merely inclined his head.

"You're a…unicorn…" Carter said. Yes, Major. Thank you for stating the obvious.

But LilCutiePie876987 shook his head. "No, I'm not. I'm a Uni! And a darn good looking one, if I do say so myself." He smirked, tossing his mane dramatically for effect.

All right, that was enough. Time to get down to business. "Listen, Little Cutie Pie… Eight Seven… Six…" Jack said. "Cutie. Can I call you Cutie?"

The Uni sighed. "If you must."

"All right, listen, _Cutie," _Jack emphasized his name with great satisfaction. "Can you tell us what we're doing in a cage?"

Cutie blinked. "You're prisoners."

"Yes, we got that." Jack said impatiently. "But have you any clue _why _we are prisoners?"

"You were stealing codestones! I heard the tribe talking while you were passed out. They caught you carrying a bag full of the things."

"Excuse me," Daniel said. "But what are codestones…?"

The Uni stared at him for a moment, as if trying to determine whether he was kidding or a moron. Apparently, he decided on the latter. "Oh, for the love of Coltzan!" He said with an exasperated sigh. "You people really aren't from around here. Codestones! You know, the rocks with the stupid little drawings on them?"

Hah! So this was all _Daniel's _fault! "Oh yeah, _those _stones…" Jack smacked Daniel upside the head.

"Hey!"

Of course, Jack knew it was partially his fault for telling Daniel to take the rocks home, but it was much easier just to blame him for the whole incident.

Cutie looked at him weird, and then continued explaining. "The tribe here believes codestones have some mystical powers." He rolled his eyes. "They have them stashed in secret hiding places all over this little corner of the island. But the rocks are really just used as payment for the training school." He stood straighter. "Me and my brothers take it upon ourselves to find these little 'secret' stashes, and we get free battle training. It all works out quite nicely."

"But not for the tribe." Carter said.

Cutie shrugged his shoulders. "So? They're all a bit wacky if you ask me." He put his hoof to his head and traced circles around his ear, in the universal gesture of insanity. "Anyway," he continued. "That's how I ended up here. Got caught on one of our raids."

"And what will become of us now?" Teal'c asked.

Before Cutie could answer, there was a change in the music. The drumbeats become rather ominous sounding and the tribe stopped dancing and sat down in a circle around the cages.

Jack gave them a little wave. "Hey guys. How's it going?"

The yellow shark with the stick came out of nowhere to poke Jack once again.

"Hey, easy, Jetsam Boy!" Cutie yelled at the shark. The shark began making his way to Cutie's cage, probably to jab him with his stick, which he seemed to enjoy doing very much. He never made it there, however: he was stopped by the sound of a horn being blown. He scrambled around the cage and stood at attention.

"Oh, are we expecting someone?" Jack asked dryly. Sg-1 all turned around to face in the direction the tribe was looking, at a small brown hut. They didn't have to wait long. The flap of the hut raised, and out stepped –actually, out _hopped_- a large green... Well, Jack wasn't sure what it was, but it looked sort of like a fat round mouse with tiny little hands and feet. His massive tail held him several feet above the ground. He had two of the tiger-creatures with spears flanking him. The most entertaining part, however, was the ridiculously large headdress that the mouse was wearing, made of palm branches and blue flowers. The thing was bigger than he was. Literally.

Carter let out a strangled noise as she tried to keep from laughing. Jack felt better now that he wasn't the only one to have reacted to their situation that way.

The mouse slowly turned to look at Sg-1's cage. He pointed a finger at them.

"Bring the humans to me!" he said melodramatically.

Good grief. This guy was as bad as a Goa'uld.

The original tiger and shark opened the cage. They gestured for the team to come out, and the tiger began to tie their hands behind their backs. The shark looked at Jack with an evil glint in his eyes, and raised his spear menacingly.

"Whoa! Hey!"

The shark laughed. "HAH HAH HAH!"

He went to stand next to the tiger, who was finished tying. He jabbed Carter in the shoulder on his way past.

"Ow!"

"HAH HAH HAH!"

Good lord, he was annoying. Jack was _so _going to get this guy…

The mouse hopped over to stand on front of Sg-1. "Who is your leader?"

"That would be me," Jack took a step forward. The mouse looked him over.

"I am Chief Crazy Bones the Meerca!"

Someone snorted. Jack could've sworn it was Teal'c. If this "Meerca" heard it, he ignored it.

"Colonel Jack O'Neill, US Air Force." He winced at the scratchy rope that was too tight on his wrists.

"Is there a problem, Colonel?"

"No. You just look like something that should be running on a hamster wheel, is all."

Crazy Bones narrowed his beady black eyes, and hopped close enough to breath in Jack's face.

Oh, the stench! Jack coughed and his eyes began to water.

"I would be careful, if I were you. I didn't get my name for no reason, you know."

"Oh, I don't doubt that, sir."

"Good," Crazy Bones muttered, and hopped back (Thank God). He puffed out his chest and pointed an accusing finger at Sg-1.

"You were attempting to steal the sacred codestones!" He yelled, for all the tribe to hear. "And for that you must PAY!"

He laughed evilly. "MWA HA HA HA HA!" He clapped his hands. "Archers, ready!"

Out of nowhere, various creatures with bows and arrows appeared, and aimed their weapons at Sg-1.

"Prepare to meet your DOOM! Ha HA!"

Oh great.

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To be continued…


	3. Science Fiction

Adventures in Neopia

Thank you to everyone who reviewed!

DragonFire63 – I can't fit any Neopian bad guys into this story. However, could there be an "Adventures in Neopia: Part Two", featuring Dr. Sloth? Hmm… I'll have to think about that…Thanks for the suggestion.

Chapter Three - Science Fiction

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The archers stood ready, with a dozen arrows aimed point-blank at Sg-1.

Well. This was a problem.

Jack frantically tried to think of a way to avoid being skewered, but it is rather difficult to think while being laughed at manically by an insane green mouse.

"HAHAHAHA!"

Daniel tried reasoning with him. "We never meant any harm! We didn't-"

"Silence!" Crazy Bones folded his arms across his chest. "I do not want to hear your lies, you foul codestone thieves!" He raised his hand. The archers pulled back on their arrows.

Crazy Bones started laughing again.

Hey! What was that? There was a movement in the trees behind Crazy Bones. Jack watched as a small rock flew through the air in seeming slow motion, and-

_THUNK_!

Direct hit! It struck the Meerca chief in the back of the head, bounced off and rolled away. Jack silently cheered. The tribe gave a collective gasp, and then for a long while everyone was dead silent, while Crazy Bones stood in a daze. Jack exchanged "_where did that come from?" _looks with his teammates. They hadn't seen who threw it, either. All four looked at Cutie. He shrugged.

"Wasn't me."

Crazy Bones recovered. His eyes narrowed and his voice became dangerously low. "Who _dares _to throw a rock at me?" He looked around. "Whoever it was shall be VERY SORRY they ever threw a rock at Chief Crazy Bones!"

"Hey, you!" Someone yelled. Everyone looked around, but no one could locate the speaker.

"Crazy Bones! Over here!" The mystery voice continued. "I think you got something that belongs to us."

Cutie sighed. "Took you guys long enough!" he complained. He saw the questioning looks Sg-1 were giving him, and he grinned.

"Our heroes have arrived."

There was the movement in the trees again, and then all hell broke loose.

A number of war cries rang out in the trees, and the tribesmen with bows and arrows trained on Sg-1 turned away and began shooting randomly into the forest.

Suddenly, a group of armed animals (Or "Neopets," as Cutie had called them) dressed in camouflage fatigues popped into view. They began firing their laser-weapons at the archers.

"Nooo!" Cried Crazy Bones. He ran and hid behind a bush and began whimpering pitifully.

Madness! The tribe began running around and yelling hysterically. Some ran and hid; others ran at the attackers.

Sg-1, still with their hands tied behind their backs, took this as an opportunity to run for cover.

"Find something to cut the ropes!" Jack ordered his team. But he didn't have to; they were already looking. Daniel was rubbing his wrists against a tree, trying to wear down the rope with the rough bark.

"Psst, over here!" Cutie whispered, sticking his head out between the bars of his cage. "I can chew the ropes off for you."

Jack sneaked over to him, and turned around so that his hands faced the cage. Cutie began to tear at the ropes with his teeth.

Nah, this wasn't _too _weird.

A unicorn was just helping him escape from a tribe of crazy zoo animals.

Once again, Jack felt the ridiculous urge to laugh as a stray arrow whizzed past his head.

Was this what going mad felt like?

The Uni quickly finished freeing Jack's arms, and then moved on to Carter, then Teal'c. Daniel, having no luck rubbing the ropes off, realized what Cutie was doing, and rushed over.

Jack quickly searched for any weapons the Neopets might have forgotten to take while they were unconscious. Nope; all gone. His radio was gone, too. Dammit.

Jack glanced up at the chaotic battle before him, just in time to see the spear-wielding shark look at him.

"The prisoners!" The shark yelled gruffly, his eyes wide. "They ESCAPE!" He looked around for help, but everyone else was occupied. He glared at the escapees and ran towards them, his spear aimed at Jack.

Jack moved out of the way of the stick, grabbed it, and used it to knock the shark off his feet. Er, fins. Bewildered, he glared up at Jack and growled. Jack smirked and, with great satisfaction, poked him with the captured spear.

"Hey!" Cutie yelled. "Major Carter! Look out!"

Jack turned around to see the blue tiger sneaking up on Carter. She turned around just in time to hit the tiger in the muzzle with her elbow. He yelped and rocked back, holding his nose.

Suddenly, a red commando-wolf with camouflage paint smeared all over his face appeared behind the tiger. He made a fist with his paw-like hand and hit the tiger over the head. He dropped and fell in an unconscious heap. The shark, still lying on his back, realized he was hopelessly outnumbered and ran for the relative safety of his tribe. Jack let him go.

"Coward!" Cutie called after him and snickered.

"CutiePie, sir!" the wolf said, and saluted. "Dude, we thought you were a goner for sure."

"Yes, well. Just get me out of here, SparkyPup764."

"Yes SIR!"

Sparky expertly hacked apart the wooden bars with his knife, and Cutie kicked the broken cage apart

"Let's move it, boys and girls!" SparkyPup yelled cheerfully, and the rest of the commandos retreated into the woods. As the odd little group hightailed out of there, they could hear Crazy Bones yelling in outrage.

"WHAT are you all waiting for!" he demanded of his tribe, who having had their butts kicked, were refusing to move. "COWARDS! All of you! WE SHALL MEET AGAIN, COLONEL JACK O'NEILL!" he screamed. "YOU HAVE NOT SEEN THE LAST OF CHIEF CRAZY BONES!"

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As the team moved farther away from the light of the bonfire, they became increasingly aware of just how dark the night on this planet was. With the dense trees blocking out the moonlight, it was pitch-black and nearly impossible to even see your hands a foot in front of your face. There could be all kinds of freakish alien critters just waiting for someone to inadvertently step into their lair…

Ookay. Probably best not to think about that.

They walked in silence for the most part, with the occasional grunt or muttered curse as someone crashed into an unseen tree trunk or boulder.

Someone walking in front of Jack–he thought it was Daniel- tripped and fell, which caused Jack to trip and fall over him. Fortunately a tangle of vines and other strong smelling plant material broke his fall, so it didn't hurt too much.

"Sorry, Jack," came Daniel's voice from the darkness, sounding a little sheepish.

"What's going on back there?" Cutie shouted from his position at the head of the group. Jack winced at the sudden bright light as a Neopet lit up a lantern and came back to investigate. Daniel stood up and offered his hand to Jack.

As it turned out, it probably wasn't such a great idea to use a lantern, because now Jack had a perfect view of the enormous black spider with enormous white fangs that bit him on the finger.

"Oh, crap." Daniel said as he saw what happened. At that, Carter and Teal'c hurried over to Jack's side. The spider still sat on his hand.

All of a sudden Jack felt a bit… lightheaded… and… foggy….

.Carter said something to him. He saw her talking but he didn't understand what she was saying. He was barely aware of it when everyone gathered around him. The Neopets began arguing with each other. He heard their voices, but didn't hear their words. He was beginning to drift off, far, far away…

Dazed, he rested his head against his arm and watched as the spider scurried off into the darkness.

Scurry. Heh. That's a funny word.

Everyone was so worried. _Why are they so worried?_ He wondered as the fog wrapped around his brain. He was just going to take a nap.

Just a little nap…

--------------------------------------------

When he opened his eyes, he was lying on a mat, in a small hut. A pair of lanterns hanging from the ceiling offered a gloomy light.

Carter was sitting on a tree stump across the hut from Jack, apparently doodling in the dirt with a stick.

For a minute, he couldn't figure out why he was there. Then, slowly, he remembered the spider. He looked at his finger. There was a nasty looking bite mark, and his whole hand was a lovely shade of purple. This was the second time in less than 24 hours he'd gotten himself poisoned. And this time it wasn't anything relatively cool like the dart. He'd been bitten by a bug.

That was just embarrassing.

He sighed and rubbed his forehead with his unbitten hand. Carter looked up from her stick figure drawing.

"He's awake!" she called out the door, and came over to kneel next to him as the rest of the team, plus Cutie and a green tiger Jack didn't recognize, walked in.

"How are you feeling, sir?" Carter asked.

Before Jack could answer, the tiger walked purposefully toward him. He pulled a small penlight out of his pocket and pointed it in Jack's eyes.

"Hey!" Jack protested. "Who is this?"

"That's Doc," Cutie explained. "He's a Kougra. Best doctor in the camp."

"I thought you said was the _only_ doctor in the camp?" Daniel said.

"That's why he's the best!" Cutie said with a smirk.

The Kougra put the light back in his coat pocket and picked up Jack's hand in his paw.

"Does this hurt?" the Kougra asked.

"No-"

The doctor gently pinched Jack's finger and a burst of pain shot up his arm. His breath caught in his chest and stars exploded before his eyes.

"Yeah," he managed to grunt. "Just a little."

The doctor nodded approvingly. "Good!" he said. "Pain is good. It means the anti-venom is working. If it didn't hurt, we may have had to cut off your arm."

Jack raised his eyebrows. "Oh. That's good then."

"Thanks, Doc." Cutie said. Doc nodded, and left the tent, grumbling something about idiot tourists getting themselves into trouble.

Jack slowly sat up, suddenly catching a whiff of a strong odor. "What is that smell?"

SparkyPup burst in past the doctor, carrying a plate with a large green dead creature. Teal'c and Daniel stepped away from him.

"Pickled Eel," Sparky said. "I made it myself. Want some?"

This offer was met with an enthusiastic chorus of "no thank you" and "I already ate."

Sparky looked disappointed. Cutie shrugged. "Your loss,"

He grabbed the slimy eel and bit its head off, then handed it back to Sparky, who devoured the body in two bites. The humans and Jaffa all turned various shades of green.

"We must get back to the Stargate," Teal'c reminded Cutie, who nodded.

"Oh yeah, Daniel mentioned that earlier," he said. "Something about a big giant ring that magically transports people to other planets?"

He nudged Sparky with his elbow. Both burst into chuckles.

I know it sounds crazy, but it's true," Carter said. "Here, maybe you've seen it before…"

She picked up her stick and smoothed out the dirt. She drew the planet's Stargate, complete with the surrounding trees. Leave it to Carter to make a perfect topographically accurate dirt sketch.

Cutie stared at it skeptically for a moment, but recognition soon dawned in his eyes. "Oh, _that_ big giant ring. I always figured it was someone's lawn ornament."

"And we're supposed to believe this fancy piece of stone is supposed to shoot you light years away to your home planet?" Sparky demanded.

"Pretty much, yeah," Jack said.

"You know," Sparky began. "That ring is right on the edge of the tribe's territory. You'll need our help getting there. There may be a fight…" he added with a glint in his eyes.

Cutie grinned.

"So," Jack said. "What do you say?"

"I say you've all been reading too much science fiction." Cutie said. "But we'll help you. Not much else to do around here today, anyhow."

------------------------------------------


	4. Campfire Stories

Adventures in Neopia!

So here it is - after a year and a half, the rather overdue

Chapter four – Campfire Stories

-----------------

With the help of Cutie and his band of merry men, Sg-1 had come up with a plan to get back to the gate. However, Cutie had suggested that they stay in camp until morning. And after his encounter with the nocturnal arachnid, Jack readily agreed.

So here they were, sitting around a campfire with the Neopian bandits. After Sg-1 had their rations, along with all their other equipment, confiscated by the tribal Neopets, they _did_ get hungry. Fortunately Cutie and the gang had some food that didn't begin with the word "pickled."

Jack stuffed a piece of bread in his mouth as he listened to SparkyPup telling scary stories.

"Wait a minute," Daniel said to Sparky, raising his eyebrows slightly. "they were _pirates_?"

SparkyPup nodded melodramatically and placed a paw over his heart.

"I swear to Coltzan." he said with exaggerated self-importance. "Pirates. I barely escaped with my life, dude."

"_Dude!"_ Jack added with a surfer-dude intonation. Carter grinned, and --ever the polite one-- covered it with her hand.

"So anyway," Sparky continued, unaware he was being mocked. "This happened back when I was, like, just a little Lupe." He held his paw down low to indicate someone of short stature. "I was living with my family in the town. The pirates anchored their ship and swam to shore in the middle of the night, and took the whole town by surprise!"

He paused for dramatic effect; all the bandits were listening intently. The light of the campfire cast eerie shadows on the faces of the already unusual-looking Neopets.

Jack looked behind him into the darkness, sure that he had heard the sound of a giant spider rustling through the fallen leaves. He turned back around as Sparky, having decided he'd given sufficient pause, resumed his tale.

"They were from the little island just south of us,' Sparky said. "The very worst kind of pirate."

The Neopets murmured their agreement.

"Yellow eyes," Sparky said, his own eyes narrowed down to slits. "Scaly skin, and, man, some really bad breath."

Cutie chuckled. "Enough with the drama," he said to Sparky. "Just get on with the story."

"I'm getting to it, dude!" Sparky insisted. "The pirates stole all our valuables, and captured like a whole bunch of the townsfolk."

A dark look passed over his face. Whether it was faked or not, Jack couldn't quite tell.

"When the pirates were done pillaging, they torched everything. Totally burned my family's house down. And then they left, taking our friends with them. We never saw any of them again…" he trailed off, looking mysteriously into the sky.

Jack and Teal'c exchanged skeptical glances.

"This is a true story?" Teal'c asked Sparky, whose momentarily serious expression broke into its usual grin.

"Totally a true story, dude."

Sure it was. Jack had heard plenty of "true" scary campfire stories in his lifetime, the accuracy of which was always questionable.

The strange little group continued to eat their meal of bread and carrot-like vegetables, cracking jokes amongst themselves that Sg-1 didn't get. Daniel shot Jack a meaningful look from his seat across the fire.

Jack shrugged. He knew what he was thinking. Daniel stood, pretended to stretch, and casually walked closer to sit near the rest of the team. They all leaned in closer to hear what he had to say.

"Yellow eyes?" he repeated what Sparky had said. He kept his voice low to keep the bandits from hearing. "Scaly skin? Sounds like it could be-"

"Unas." Carter finished.

Daniel nodded. "Maybe,"

"Indeed," Teal'c; of course. "It is possible that the Goa'uld have been on this planet, and brought Unas with them as slaves."

Jack wasn't so sure. "I'm not so sure," he said, and jerked his chin in Sparky's general direction. "I think our friend here just likes to tell tall tales. Besides," he added.

"you've all seen some of these 'Neopets'. They've got-" he waved his hand absently.

"-lions and tigers and bears-"

"Oh my," Teal'c said stoically. That made the rest of the team pause. They all glanced at him. Jack couldn't tell if he was serious or not. Teal'c had such a dry sense of humor it was sometimes hard to tell if it was there at all.

"Yeah. Anyway," Jack said, shaking his head. "Who knows what else they've got around here? Talking alligators, for all we know."

"Yeah." Daniel agreed. "And I'm sure Sparky's story is a complete fabrication. But even your fishing stories have some basis in reality."

"Of that I am not so sure," Teal'c muttered. Jack frowned.

"I think," Daniel continued, "we should watch out for anything… 'Goa'uld-ish."

"Goa'uld-ish?" Jack and Carter asked in unison.

Daniel rolled his eyes and sighed, exasperated. "You know what I mean."

Jack nodded. "I agree. We best be careful. Of course, even without the Goa'uld this place is dangerous enough…." He thought back to the darts. And the spider. He rubbed his bitten finger. The pain was quickly fading, but still.

Teal'c and Carter nodded their agreement. They all looked up as Cutie stood and shook himself off. He yawned.

"I'm exhausted," he said. "time for lights out, folks." The bandits lazily dispersed and headed into their various tents. Cutie stepped towards Sg-1 and the four of them stood up. Cutie looked up at Jack. "We'll head out at dawn," he said.. "In the meantime, we'll have some guys on guard duty, in shifts. You may want to post a couple members of your team as guards as well."

Jack nodded and turned to his team. "Teal'c and I'll take first shift. Carter, Daniel, try to get some sleep."

Sparky sidled up next to Cutie and grinned at Jack and Teal'c. "Cool," he said enthusiastically. "I'm on the first watch. You guys can hang out with me."

Carter and Daniel made their way to the tent that had been set aside for Sg-1. Sparky grabbed a lantern and a heavy looking leather sack that Jack could only guess the contents of. He and Teal'c followed Sparky away from the fire. Jack didn't know about Teal'c, but he was feeling almost naked without his P-90 and radio. _Too bad no one managed to grab our gear during the havoc with Crazy Bones and the tribe,_ he thought, staring into the pitch black forest.

Talking alligators, he'd suggested. Hah. Little did he know.

---------------------

They took their position a half mile out of camp. There were other bandits at posts about a quarter mile from each other, forming a circle around the camp. As Jack and Teal'c soon found out, "Sparky" was aptly named. He was so full of energy, it was grinding Jack's last frazzled nerve. Jack could understand enthusiasm for a job, even a morally questionable one like that of Sparky the codestone thief. But this was ridiculous. Almost two hours, was their best estimate of how long they had been out in the woods.

Sparky. Never. Shut. Up.

He was telling his fifth story full of peril and adventure, about his encounter with a herd of something called "Snorkles." Jack had managed to tune him out somewhat. He examined the gun Sparky had taken out of the leather bag and given to him. It was laser weapon. A very advanced one, best Jack and Teal'c could tell. Just one of the technological oddities they had encountered on their little adventure through Neopia.

Primitive spears, and then this Rainbow Gun, as the weapon was called, all on the same island.

"And then my buddy is all like, 'no way, it can't fly _and _swim,' and I'm like-" Sparky froze.

Jack looked up. "What?"

Sparky raised his hand for silence. Jack and Teal'c adjusted their grips on their guns.

Jack listened carefully, but heard nothing. By the bright light of the lantern, they watched Sparky swivel his ears, and jump towards a tree, pressing his back against it for cover. He darted a look through narrowed eyes around the trunk. A moment passed, and he relaxed slightly.

"I thought I heard something," he said.

"Teal'c?" Jack asked.

"I heard nothing."

Sparky shrugged. "I guess it was nothing." He didn't look completely convinced, though.

He tightened his hold on his weapon, lifting it from his side to his chest.

Jack didn't like it. As annoying as Sparky was, so far he'd shown that he knew what he was doing. And obviously, he knew the woods of Mystery Island far better than Jack or Teal'c. If he was on edge, so was Jack.

Five minutes later, the three of them determined that there really was nothing there.

"Alright," Jack said. "Time to head back and change places with Daniel and Carter."

"I hear you, dude," Sparky said. "I'm exhausted."

"You're exhausted?" Jack asked incredulously as the group started moving out. Teal'c brought up the rear, keeping a close eye on their surroundings. Jack caught his gaze, giving him an amused look.

Suddenly, Sparky bounded off to the side, taking the lantern with him. "No way, dudes!" he shouted excitedly. "I found codestones!"

He was about fifty feet away when Jack discovered, whadya know, that perhaps his story about the pirates wasn't quite as far fetched as they'd originally believed.

They popped out of the woods and surrounded Sparky. Dozens of them. Scaly skin, yellow eyes. Jack would wager bad breath, too.

Not Unas, though. No, they looked more like, well, alligators. They wore boots, bandannas, and red-and-white striped shirts. The perfectly clichéd pirate image.

Yet again, Jack wondered if perhaps he really _was _dreaming.

With a hearty chorus of "ARRR!'s," the pirates grabbed Sparky and threw him in a large cloth sack. Sparky hollered in shock and outrage, but he had the good sense not to yell for Jack or Teal'c and bring attention to them. With the lantern far away, the two SG team members were invisible in the dark. They dropped to the ground.

"We must help him, O'Neill," Teal'c whispered urgently. But he knew as well as Jack did that that just wasn't possible. Against 25 armed alligators, their two measly phasers weren't going to help much.

They watched as a pirate with a puffy shirt knocked Sparky over the head. The Lupe fell silent and the pirates laughed and headed off into the distance.

Crap. Crap crap CRAP.


	5. At Wit's End

Adventures in Neopia!

Note: Thanks for the reviews!

This chapter took forever to finish because I couldn't decide what I wanted to do with it, and had to rewrite it a few times. Originally, the story was only going to last four chapters. But then that annoying little voice in my head said, out of the blue, "hey, wouldn't it be cool if we threw in some pirates?" So now, I'm at the point of almost making it up as I go. Bear with me….

Chapter Five – At Wit's End

----------

Teal'c and Jack followed the pirates silently. They had to know where they were taking Sparky or they might never find him. It was possible Cutie and the other bandits would have some idea of where to look, but they couldn't take that chance. As soon as they could determine where the pirates were going, they would turn back and alert the camp.

All of this they had decided in the space of about eight seconds.

The pirates were also carrying Sparky's lantern, which was now little more than a ghostly bouncing dot off in the distance.

Deliberately shoving all thoughts of creepy crawlies from his mind, Jack led the way through the tangles of bushes and trees and rocks. They moved at a steady pace, careful to not bring any attention to themselves. After a few minutes, the pirates came to a meadow, where the moonlight briefly silhouetted their reptilian figures. They trotted over a low incline, and disappeared over the other side.

Jack and Teal'c cautiously approached, weapons raised. Jack was suddenly aware of the smell of salt water, and he could hear --faintly-- waves crashing against rocks.

He guessed the pirates had reached their destination.

Arriving at the top of the hill, they dropped to their stomachs and looked over the edge.

About fifty feet ahead, the grassy meadow stopped and sandy beach began. Several bonfires burned away. The pirates stopped running at the edge of the water, laughing and whooping. They were joined by other groups of pirates, carrying crates and bags full of all kinds of plundered loot. They also had a few captured Neopets.

Jack grimaced at the sight.

"O'Neill!" Teal'c said sharply, turning to look behind them.

Uh oh. That was never good. Jack grimaced again, and reluctantly turned around.

The pirate grinned slyly.

"Ahoy there," he said smugly, cutlass in hand. He was about four feet tall, with dark blue skin.

"Ahoy!" Jack said cheerfully.

Now, Jack or Teal'c could have easily taken him out - if it were not for the unfortunate fact that he had more than a dozen of his friends behind him, all wielding various piratical weapons like cutlasses and pistols.

"I think ye may be wantin' to hand over yer weapons, matey," the blue lead pirate said, casually adjusting the black bandanna around his head.

Jack nodded at Teal'c, and they passed their Rainbow guns to one of the pirates. They slowly stood up.

"Okay," Jack said, hands raised palm-up. "I can see you folks are busy. So if you don't mind, we'll just be on our way now…"

The pirates chuckled. "I don't know about that," said the lead pirate. He looked at his companions. "Get them!"

They jumped forward, and Jack found himself with three alligators holding him by each arm. They tried to grab Teal'c, but the Jaffa managed to fend them off and break free.

Jack didn't hesitate. "Run, Teal'c!"

A pirate ran drunkenly at Teal'c. Teal'c punched him in the face. The pirate fell and landed on his back.

"O'Neill-" Teal'c began.

"Go!" Jack interrupted. "Go get the bandits!"

One of his captors covered his mouth with a filthy hand. A pained look crossed Teal'c's face, but he did as Jack ordered and ran for the woods. The pirates watched him go. "What do we do about 'im?" one asked.

The lead pirate scowled. "Argh!" he grumbled. "Let him go."

He turned to Jack and smiled evilly. "We still have one of the lubbers."

"Excuse me?" Jack said as the pirates proceeded to carry him off toward the beach. "Who you callin' a 'lubber'?"

---------------

Daniel had a hard time falling asleep. He lie awake in the dark tent for what must have been two hours. Sam couldn't sleep either, so the two of them entertained themselves with discussions of their latest adventure. They'd definitely been in more dangerous situations before. But none, they agreed, were this… weird.

Eventually, he did manage to drift off to sleep. About five, maybe six, seconds later, there was a sudden shout from outside the tent. He was on his feet before he was completely awake. He looked over at Sam, who was also up and heading towards the door. Teal'c pushed open the tent flap and nearly crashed into her.

"What is it?" Sam asked.

"O'Neill has been captured," he explained. "I must alert LilCutiePie."

He turned and started to leave the tent.

"Whoa! Wait a minute," Daniel said. "Captured?"

Teal'c stopped for a second and looked at Daniel over his shoulder.

"By pirates." With that, he hurried outside and let the tent flap drop behind him.

Pirates. What? Maybe Daniel had heard him wrong. He and Sam paused for a second, giving each other sidelong glances. They quickly recovered and jogged out after Teal'c.

He had his head inside the door of Cutie's tent. They could hear him speaking in an urgent tone, the one he only used when disaster was imminent or when he was missing one of his shows.

"WHAT?!" Came Cutie's outraged yell from inside the tent. He barged out past Teal'c.

He tossed his head angrily and gave a high pitched whinny, so loud that Daniel winced and involuntarily raised a hand to his ear. Apparently it was a signal, because the other bandits groggily came out of their tents. "What is it now?" one grumbled.

"Teal'c here says that Sparky and Colonel O'Neill have been carried off by pirates," Cutie explained.

The bandits were somewhat less groggy now. Eyes flew open and hackles raised. A low, collective growl emanated from the gathering crowd.

"You mean there actually _are _pirates?" Sam demanded.

Cutie turned around. He gave her the same look he'd had when they'd told him they didn't know what codestones were. An interesting mixture of "are-you-mocking-me?" and "are-you-a-complete-idiot?"

"Uh, yes." He said. "Didn't you hear Sparky's story?"

Sam opened her mouth to reply, but then, apparently thinking better of it, shut it. She closed her eyes for a second and shook her head ever so slightly. It was a subtle look, but Daniel knew she was getting frustrated.

"What can we do about this?" she asked Cutie.

He frowned. "Not much," he said reluctantly, "the pirates aren't exactly what you'd call 'intelligent,' but when it comes to sheer numbers, there are too many of them for us to take on and win."

-------------------

"Hey, watch it!"

The pirates laughed. One on each side, they had Jack firmly by the arms. The little buggers were deceptively strong. They'd managed to drag him all the way to the water's edge, load him into a small rowboat, and row out to their ship (a ship that, in a different situation, Jack might have thought was really, really cool). Now, they were descending belowdecks. They reached the brig and tossed him in a cell, slamming the creaky iron door shut behind him.

Jack picked himself up off the floor as his captors retreated up the stairs.

"Not even a 'goodbye'? 'Seeya'?"

He stood up, hands on his hips, and surveyed his surroundings.

Not that there was much to survey. It was dimly lit, with a few lanterns hanging from the ceiling. There were a few other cells in the room, divided by rusty iron bars. A couple were occupied by whimpering, sulking Neopian prisoners.

The air was hot, stuffy, and had a delightful fragrance – that of wet dog, rotting wood and dirty socks. Just generally a very miserable place.

He sighed. Oh well. He'd been through worse.

Behind him, against the back wall, was a wooden bench. He went to sit down on it and realized he was not the only one in his cage. Sparkypup sat hunched over in a corner, looking scruffier than usual. He nodded a greeting.

"How ya doin?" he asked dryly. All traces of his happy-go-lucky self were gone.

"Peachy," Jack replied with an equal amount of dryness. "Are you okay?"

Sparky shrugged and rubbed his head. "I'll live. So," he added. "where's Teal'c?"

"He managed to escape. Went to go get help."

Suddenly, Sparky looked afraid. "I wouldn't count on help."

Jack looked at him sharply. "What's that supposed to mean? You guys did a pretty decent job of saving Cutie and my team from Crazy Bones."

Sparky snorted derisively. "That was different. The tribe is nothing compared to the pirate krawks. There aren't enough of us to fight them. Sure, we can hold them off if we're in a, you know, defensible position. But no one's ever launched a successful attack." His voice took on a panicky edge. It would seem that he'd been telling the truth about losing friends to the pirates. "We're never going home again."

Jack blinked. "You can be a bit of a downer, you know that?"

Suddenly, there were footsteps in the stairwell. Jack looked up and went to the front of the cell, putting his arms out through the bars. Some of the Neopets whimpered louder as the ominous shadow on the stairs descended.

He leaned his face against the bars and the pirate came into view.

Jack's eyebrows shot up. The green krawk had a fancy dark red coat, a la Captain Hook.

The color combination gave him an almost Christmas-y look. On his head was a black tricorn hat. An eye patch was strapped to his face, and he even had a peg leg.

Completing the ensemble was the parrot-like creature on his left shoulder. It was a squat little bird, pretty much a ball of green and white feathers with a beak and two big black eyes.

Jack was familiar enough with pirate pop culture to know that this had to be the captain. He snapped off a lazy salute with two fingers, though he would have much preferred to salute with just the _one _finger.

The captain chuckled, scaly arms folded.

"So," he began jauntily. "The crew be telling me all about the human they's captured, and o' course I had to come and see 'im for meself." He sauntered over the Jack's cage, looking him up and down. Mostly up, since he was rather short.

"Oh yeah?" Jack said. "I'm flattered. Now that you've had yourself a nice look-see, you think you could let me and my friend here go? We'd be really grateful. I might even send ya a photo of myself."

The pirate roared with laughter. Jack waited patiently, eyes narrowed, until he finished.

"A prisoner with a sense o' humor! I love it!" he said, wiping a tear from his eye.

Crocodile tears. Heh. Jack smirked slightly at his somewhat-amusing, if oddly-timed, joke.

The captain stopped laughing. He grinned, which looked freakishly ghoulish on his alligator face. "What shall I call you?" he asked. Jack told him his name.

"I'm the Captain," the pirate said. Jack waited expectantly.

"Captain…who?"

The Captain frowned. "Just 'Captain.'"

His parrot squawked for emphasis, bobbing its head up and down.

"Captain! Captain!" it said.

The Captain laughed again. "That's right, me good girl," he said, scratching her head.

The bird flapped her wings, and bent over and began preening her plumage. She kept a suspicious eye on Jack as she delicately ran the feathers through her beak. She reminded Jack of the winged cat creature.

Now it was his turn to look the Captain up and down. "Well," he said. "I like this whole 'Robert Newton' thing you've got going on. It's a good look for you."

The Captain narrowed his eyes. "Now, I don't know what ye be blabberin' on about, but I-"

There was a commotion at the top of the stairs.

"Unhand me!" said an indignant voice. "Do you not KNOW who I am?!"

Wait a second – Jack _did _know that voice. He looked over at Sparky, who was now lying on his side in the fetal position. Good grief. The Lupe had some serious pirate issues.

Muttering under his breath, Jack leaned over, grabbed him by the scruff of his neck and hauled him to his feet.

Sparky snapped out of his panic attack, and looked up to where the voice was coming from.

Two pirates were dragging a prisoner down the stairs. The prisoner continued to struggle and shout at them. The pirates, with some difficulty, tossed him into the cell next to Jack's. They stepped back behind the Captain.

The prisoner grumbled something about insolent fools and smoothed his fur. He looked up and met Jack's gaze.

"You!" said Sparky.

"You!" said Jack.

"YOU!!" boomed Chief Crazy Bones.

-----------

Hope you enjoyed my totally lame attempt at writing piratical dialog. If the pirate speak gets annoying, what with all the apostrophes and bad grammar ("…telling me all about the human they's captured, and o' course I had to come and see 'im for meself."), let me know and I'll tone it down. Next chapter will be up sometime next week….


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